Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming.

One of the most frequent requests I get on this weblog is to write more on the fascinating subject of false killer whales. “When are you going to give us more insight into the marvellous world of cetaceans and taxonomy, James?” people ask, or simply “more false killer whale stories now, fat boy!”

The truth is, I don’t have much to report. However, I am delighted to learn in the latest Fortean Times that not one but two new species of (not false) Killer Whales may have been discovered: a seal eating kind and an Antarctic toothfish eating kind.

What’s more, it turns out there are two seperate species of Giant Panda. This may explain why they are so bad at getting it on in captivity. “Sorry love, you’re not my type. I prefer a rounder, more feline head myself in a woman.”

Looking at the Killer Whale and the Giant Panda on the same page, one wonders what would happen were they to ever meet. One animal has a black face and white “eyes” while the other has a white face and black eyes. Would they detest each other like the aliens in that classic Trek episode “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield“. God knows what would happen if they ever managed to breed…

Finally, the other thing of note to mention about this month’s FT (aside from the Cybermen article, but there’s been enough Doctor Who on cyberspace recently), is a picture of a giant bunny. It’s huge I tell you! Can’t find a picture on the interweb to show you, but I can confirm that it isn’t the one that just got married (this one is mentioned in the FT article but doesn’t look anything like as large).

UPDATE: It isn’t this one either. That isn’t a real bunny - it’s a muppet.

Following on from the disgraceful revelations last week that blatantly made up dinosaur Spinosaurus has stolen T-Rex’s crown, here’s a heartwarming story to even things up a bit.

Those of us who were appalled at the wanton murder of Daddy T-Rex by some made-up dinosaur interloper in Jurassic Park III will be appalled to learn that the idea this “Spinosaurus” thing was bigger and badder than Posh Paws himself is gaining scientific credibility.

Is nothing from my childhood considered sacred from you bastards?

I wonder how much false killer whale vomit would get you?

Regular readers of this blog may be a little confused. To clarify: bottlenose dolphins are only distantly related to bottlenose whales (such as this fellah). While both are of course cetaceans, the former are members of the delphinidae family, while the latter are ziphidae.

Frankly, I don’t know why they aren’t called false bottlenose dolphins.

I get a steady trickle of hits to this site via search engines due to my interest in false killer whales. This page, advertising paintings of very much real killer whales, which was one higher than me on MSN is interesting:

If you “Love Whales” then you will definately want to start collecting Connie McClure’s unique Whale prints. The intense depth of color and powerful sense of movement in her Whale paintings - makes them sought after by “Whale Lovers” the world over.

Is it me or do those quotation marks make this seem a little, well, salacious (if you know what I mean)?

One of my favourite species is the false killer whale, for no other reason than for its name. Here are some false killer whale-related facts (all courtesy of Wikipedia):

• False killer whales are not in fact whales, but cetaceans, and neither are killer whales. Both species kill dolphins, which seems a bit mean. Give a dog a bad name…
• Not only are killer whales not whales, but the term “killer whale” is a mistranslation of the Spanish for “whale killer”.
• False killer whales are no more “false” than killer whales, and the whole “false” thing is bit unfair really. They’re only called that because some donut mistook them for another species and the name stuck. Rumours that false killer whales tend to be excessively nice to people they can’t stand at parties remain unfounded.
• False killer whales have elbows. Sort of.
• A hybrid of a false killer whale and a bottlenose dolphin (presumably, the false killer whale creed is “what we don’t eat we shag”) is called a wolphin. This would be a ridiculous name even if it wasn’t for the fact that, as already stated, a false killer whale is not a whale!

Feel free to add your own fascinating false killer whale related facts in the comments below.