Ah! That delicate frisson of A-level result lesbionics!

I’ve just realised that its taken me until 4pm on A-level results day before seeing my first A-level result blonde (on the front cover of the Evening Standard).

A quick skip around the news websites:

  • The BBC has four multi-ethnic girls jumping for joy. Only one of them, however, might be blonde (hard to tell). Cliche rating: 4/5.
  • The Times opts for a classic: two cute blondes. Shame they aren’t hugging, but you can’t have everything. As an afterthought it gives you an alternative picture of some boys, but in case your heterosexuality is challenged by this, click again and you find a picture of a cute girl running, wearing a t-shirt that highlights her breasts. Cliche rating: 5/5.
  • The Telegraph keeps it simple: blondes; hugging; smiles; waving paper. For England and St George! Cliche rating: 5/5.
  • The Guardian relies on the same levitating multi-ethnic girls as the BBC, and then only temporarily on the front page. It’ll probably be gone by the time you read this. Bloody commies. I bet that girl in the headscarf has got an A-level in bomb-making. Or something. Cliche rating: 4/5.
  • The Independent have two girls looking pensively at their results. There isn’t even the merest hint that they may have snogged once (on the other hand, that may be why they look so uncomfortable). Weird. At least they’re girls. Cliche rating: 3/5.
  • The Sun: Mickey Mouse breasts girl again. Cliche rating: 4/5.
  • The Mirror: a black girl. Hard to say if she’s laughing or crying. She doesn’t even have highlights. Cliche rating: 3/5.
  • The Daily Mail has a picture of boys! Disgusting! Paul Dacre is a national disgrace! Children will be corrupted. Cliche rating: 2/5.
  • Fortunately, the Daily Express saves the day with Mickey Mouse breasts (again!) AND… wait for it… TWINS! HUGGING! Result!!! Cliche rating: 5/5.

They really ought to officially designate today as Groundhog Day. Here’s to doing it all again in twelve months time.


  1. James, this is a good post.

    I have a couple of issues with your analysis though. Firstly, you’re being harsh on the Indie. It’s not all about hugging; one must consider aesthetics as an equal criterion. The girl on the right is certainly quite promising, although perhaps needs a year or two maturing in the cellar.

    Furthermore, your analysis of the Times misses the fact that the girl on the left is clearly wanting to exploit the euphoria of her “friend” by engaging in a bit of hot, sweaty mid-summer action.

    Finally, I’m quite disappointed by the Torygraph. Sure, there are girls. Sure, they’re waving papers. Just isn’t up to the standard of previous years though; I expect the Generals in Smallville to be most disappointed. Bring back Black.

  2. The Times print version today manages to retain its 5/5 rating. Cute blonde twins. Plus page full of other pictures with no story.
    Strangely yesterday was the first time for many years where I haven’t woken up, put the TV on while eating breakfast, and then promptly changed channel to avoid the cringe-worthy staged envelope opening.
    I suppose the advent of results by SMS, email and web have taken away the tv-worthiness of it all.

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