I’ve had this joke buzzing around my head all day, and although it isn’t particularly funny and so obscure that possibly only Jerry Seinfeld will understand it, I need to get it off my chest.

Two blokes walk into a bar. One is wearing his underpants over his trousers, the other has a bottle with a model city inside it.

The first man says to the second man: “I admire your Kandor.”

Sorry. I did say it was poor.

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I was about to go to bed, only to discover that this blog is the top Google result for the search “similarities korean klingon” and that someone actually found me that way.

I’ve also been impressed by the number of people finding this blog over the last 48 hours because of my post about Kryptonite. It’s good to see people grappling with the really important issues of the day.

Finally, I still get a significant number of visits from Konnie Huq fans. Disgracefully, I suspect this is because of the promise of seeing her “modelling the latest in tweenie fetish wear“.

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Appalling media misinformation about kryptonite today.

As any fule kno, kryptonite doesn’t have to be green, that is just the type that kills Kryptonians (not ’sap them of their powers’ as the BBC and others put it - that’s gold kryptonite). In fact, white kryptonite is supposed to have a lethal effect on plantlife, but it also appears to be useful for stabilising bizarros.

Of course, if you read the small print, it turns out that the story is based on the fact that the newly found compound has ‘almost‘ the same elements as the kryptonite shown in the recent Superman Returns film, except it doesn’t contain fluorine. This is a bit like saying that oxygen is the same as water, except for the fact that it doesn’t contain hydrogen. It’s also a completely different formula to the one in Superman 3:

The chemical composition for the Kryptonite that Richard Pryor’s computer screen reads: Plutonium: 15.08% Tatalum: 18.06% Xenon: 27.71% Promethium: 24.02% Dialium: 10.62% Mercury: 3.94% Unknown: 0.57%.

But the worst thing about this story is that it turns out that Ananova doesn’t know the difference between Serbia and Siberia.

In fact, on the last count, 24 news sources found via Google News made the same elementary mistake.

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I’m afraid I was somewhat underwhelmed by Superman Returns, which I saw on Saturday evening. In part, this may be because I built it up too much, being a fan of both the Richard Donner film and Bryan Singer. However, there are a number of ways in which I think the film took a wrong turn. So, Mr Singer, here’s my constructive feedback: (more…)

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Got the latest Empire this evening. A few film related things:

• In July we are to be treated to both Pirates of the Carribean 2 and Superman Returns (which is either Superman 5 - after the Quest for Peace - 2.5 - sort of set after 2 - or 2 - the spiritual sequel to Richard Donner’s original disregarding the slight hash Richard Lester made of 2 - depending on your point of view). I can’t wait for either of them.
• The Spider-Man 3 teaser is now online. Got a year to wait for this one. Looking forward to it as I am, I’m not sure about the wisdom of having 3 major villains. Joel Schumacher’s Batman films show what happens when you don’t exercise enough restraint (on the other hand, both Batman Returns and Batman Begins both have three villains in them and cope okay).
• Richard Kelly’s first film since Donnie Darko - Southland Tales - was apparently panned at Cannes. Kelly himself is robust, arguing that Donnie Darko got the same response at first. I wouldn’t be so complacent. Love Donnie Darko as I do - I saw it on its first release - Kelly made a complete Horlicks of the Director’s Cut. The good news is he’s cutting 45 mins out of this new film, so hopefully he can turn it around.
• Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright and Nick Frost are back soon in Hot Fuzz. Yay! Intrigued to see Jessica Stevenson claiming they are still planning to make Spaced 3 given how long ago 2 was now. It had entered the part of my brain that is reserved for all those other uncompleted masterpieces such as Halo Jones Book 4 and Sleaze Castle (side fact: Simon Pegg’s character is called Nicholas Angel. I wonder if this is a homage to Shaun of the Dead’s Music Supervisor? I used to know a Nick Angel - I was in a student version of a Midsummer Night’s Dream with him 10 years ago. He went on to edit Matthew Parris’ The Great Unfrocked and I think went on to become some kind of photo-journalist).
• They’ve cast Lyra for the His Dark Materials films. Looks like they’re actually going to make them. Good news: she’s English. Bad news: she’s called Dakota Blue Richards. Will this series be the next Lord of the Rings or the next Chronicles of Narnia? Only time will tell.
• Oh, and Empire thinks the Da Vinci Code is shit. Big surprise there then.

Empire also has an interesting looking article about DVD piracy but I haven’t read it yet so can’t comment.

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Saw the first episode of the seventh season of West Wing on Sunday. Could be good. I was particularly struck by Santos saying to Leo McGarry “you’d have to stage another heart attack in order to pull out now.” It’s sad how those words now take on prophetic meaning.

Back in the real world, it occurs to me that John McCain is currently looking a shoo-in for 2008. I can’t see Hillary cutting it somehow. Who can beat him?

It looks as if there may be an answer however. Cthulhu keeps threatening to make an impact, but the lazy old bugger won’t get out of bed - frankly, he is the Ross Perot of intergalactic evil overlords. He could make an ideal running mate however.

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March’s Empire has a special section on comic book movies, to coincide with the releases of V for Vendetta, Mirrormask and X-Men 3. Irritatingly, they’ve gone for a 1960s Batman “pow! bang! smack!” pastiche for the cover(s) but we’ll let that pass.

The first bit of (potentially) good news is that V gets a good review. 4 stars in fact. I’m not going to punch the air yet however, because the reviewer wasn’t sufficiently critical of From Hell (it wasn’t “so so” it was dreadful!), but it definitely looks as if it may have potential.

Alan Moore still won’t be going to the premiere though, and I have to admit I admire his obstinacy. For those of you who don’t know, Alan Moore has for years had a series of rows with publishers over his intellectual property (or lack thereof) and thus when his work came to the attention of Hollywood there would inevitably be fireworks. After a bizarre legal incident whereby he was sued for copyright theft over the film version of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (screenplay by Susanne Lamido’s brother, Lib Dem trivia fans!), he’s taken the extreme solution of demanding that his name be removed from all the work he has written but doesn’t own.

Moving on, Empire publishes it’s list of the Top 20 all time best comic book movies:

1. X-Men 2 (2003)
2. Superman the Movie (1978)
3. Batman Begins (2005)
4. Spider-Man (2002)
5. Blade (1998)
6. Road to Perdition (2002)
7. Oldboy (2003)
8. Sin City (2005)
9. A History of Violence (2005)
10. Superman II (1980)
11. Hellboy (2004)
12. Danger Diabolik (1968)
13. Akira (1988)
14. Mystery Men (1999)
15. Hulk (2003)
16. Dick Tracy (1990)
17. Popeye (1980)
18. Batman Returns (1992)
19. Ghost World (2001)
20. Constantine (2005)

Hmmm… controversial. I can’t comment on 7, 9, 12 and 20 as I haven’t seen them (bizarrely in 9s case given my love of the original and its writer). I think it is strange though that this list includes Superman 2 but not Spider-Man 2, which is surely superior? Batman Returns and Ghost World are too far down on this list in my view while Sin City (a triumph of style over substance is not, in itself, a triumph) and The Hulk are far too high. 2,3 and 4 are all superior to 1 in my view (I’d settle for any of them in first place) and where’s Flash Gordon (given my trouble yesterday, I wouldn’t dare allege a Ming conspiracy!)? For that matter, given some of the dross here, what about Men In Black?

As for the “greatest unmade comic book movies,” I have to say I’m not slavering for a Watchmen or Preacher adaptation. My general rule is that good comics make bad films - a rule that doesn’t necessarily apply the other way round and is constantly broken, but it is a trend nonetheless. Thus, hoping that someone will make a good comic into a film is a mug’s game.

Personally though, if you want a really ace film, my dream would be Skizz directed by Danny Boyle. Skizz, written by Alan Moore Smithee, is Brit-antidote to ET; basically alien crashlands in rundown 80s Birmingham, befriends a teenage girl and is hunted by a South African lunatic. It isn’t the best comic in the world, but it has moments of brilliance and the opportunity to subtly deconstruct Spielberg’s more saccharine version (in fact, Skizz was written before ET was released, but it was a deliberate cash-in) would be delicious.

I saw Millions last week and loved it, and the John Williams’ ET mobile phone ringtone convinced me that Boyle’s the man for the job. Are you reading this, lottery moguls?

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I bought issue one of All Star Superman (by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely) yesterday, and the first two issues of All Star Batman and Robin (by Frank Miller and Jim Lee). Generally, they both showed a lot of promise. Spoilers a-coming… (more…)

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