Another month, another name change. The British Free Press, formerly the UK Column, formerly the Plymouth and Devonport Column, has now become The Westminster News (pdf). Yes, it’s back, and this time it’s fatter than a Sandra in a sponsored fat suit. The reason for all this padding is that it has lots of adverts from a range of sources, some less mental than others. Indeed, there is so much padding, that it appears David Noakes has forgotten to give us his usual quota of nutty-bonkersness. It still contains some highlights however, and some of the adverts themselves are rather revealing:
Front page: “Ten thousand Whitehall jobs to go” – yay! Oh wait, that’s meant to be a bad thing. Boo! Parliament to be abolished on 5 May 2010. MPs to go along with this because “they have been groomed for this purpose, chosen by the Party list system over the last 20 years to ensure an obedient majority of pro-EU MPs.” Our MPs are elected using the list system? No-one tells me anything! But then, if they did, what would be the point of the Westminster News?
Page 2: The health page. Article about St George’s Cross being Cornish juxtaposed by adverts for enemas and colonic irrigation. I’m sure we aren’t supposed to draw any inferences from that. Moving on…
Page 3: Apparently Northern Rock was bailed out by the US of A. Good old Uncle Sam! A new Marshall Plan, eh? Oh, wait. That’s meant to be a bad thing too. Boo! Adverts on ethical t-shirts, spectacles, a cattery and a dance school.
Page 5: Constitution and politics. Or, to be more precise, recycling in Westminster Council. Meanwhile, in a continuation from page one, it is revealed that Francis Maude, Jacqui Smith, Ken
Clarke, Douglas Hurd, Malcolm Rifkind and Tim Yeo “might” be members of German intelligence. Or they might not. We won’t know until after their deaths. Bum.
Page 6: A one page guide to the Constitution and its remarkable similarities to Adolf Hitler’s 1933 Enabling Act. It’s says so here so it must be true.
Page 7: Adverts for caligraphy, swimming with dolphins, a solicitors, a travel agency and a hypnotherapist promising to help you quit smoking in time for when the ban starts on 1 July (um…). Meanwhile it emerges that MPs will suffer the most when Parliament is abolished (those who aren’t members of German intelligence anyway) and that it will take decades to fill the soon to by emptied Whitehall with new residents.
Page 8-9: Lots of property to buy in Ireland. Yay! The mighty Irish, descendents of the Tuatha de Dannan – who are really Israelites – are bound to reject the evil constitution in their lovely referendum aren’t they? They’ve got a magic stone and everything!
Page 11: Classifieds. The locksmiths section includes adverts for a clairvoyants and an astrologer. Not quite sure how these powers open my front door, but I’m sure all shall be revealed.
Page 14: Escort agencies juxtaposed with composting (“Give a green gift for Christmas” – always good to plan early).