“My Conservative Party believes passionately in whatever you believe in, especially if lots of other people believe in it as well. We support whipping the servants, crumpets by the fire, windfarms in every garden, a glass of brandy before bed, free slippers for the over-75s and pulling silly faces at the French.
“So I believe it’s time for all you Liberal Democrat voters, councillors and MPs (not that there are many of you!) to have a jolly hard think about whether or not you wouldn’t be better off with my new Conservative Party. If enough of you join us we can have our own rugby tournament, and think about how to really kick Blair’s butt over the next few years.
“Issues that once divided Conservatives from Liberal Democrats are now issues where we both agree after Labour nipped in and took the best bits of our policies, and we changed the worst bits of ours.
“I’m determined to tackle the challenges faced by our country today, like not being able to elect a Conservative government. I hope, over the next weeks, months and years, that enough of you defect to make us electable and form a majority against Gordon Brown.”
Cripes! Er, I think he might be onto something. At the very least, Lord Bonkers has got to be tempted.